have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
