I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
