This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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