So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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