I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
