It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
