I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
