My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
