guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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