Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
