so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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