here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
