how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
