The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Is it because I queefed?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
