Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
