If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize