So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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