He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
