Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My cat gives me a boner
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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