I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
