I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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