I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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