Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
