It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
