If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
