If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
