barbara walters just said penis...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
