Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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