So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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