Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
