So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
