Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
