She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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