I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
