Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She announced her abortion via fbk
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
