.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
