we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize