Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
