i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
