That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
