You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i love accidental penises.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
