Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
