I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
