you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
