We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
