i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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