Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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