I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
