walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
porn star boner night. come get it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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