I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
