Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
