the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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