I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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