why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
