I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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