remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think people are normalizing furries
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
