Have you finally orgasmed yet?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize