I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize