Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
