Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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