I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
