So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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