I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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