and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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