my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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