Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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