They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
